A Eulogy to the 69, the Most Overrated Sex Position

This is why I don’t date 24-year-olds anymore.

There was a time where I considered officially retiring 69 for myself. I was going to pass around a card for all of us to sign, buy a sheet cake from Costco, and ask that we all meet in the conference room on the fourth floor at 4pm on Thursday for 69’s surprise retirement party. But now, it’s not like I won’t do it (especially when it’s with a 6-foot powerlifter with Zach Morris hair), but I just want to finally recognize that it’s the most garbage sex position out there for straight people.

I remember the first time I heard about 69. I was in health class in the seventh grade and our teacher gave us all the opportunity to write whatever questions about sex or our bodies down on a slip of paper, fold it up, pass it in, and then she would read them out loud and answer them. When someone asked what 69 was and our dear health teacher informed us, my horny preteen mind lit up: Oral sex for both partners at the same time?! Oh boy, when I start having sex, that’s all I’m gonna do! Why were other sex positions even invented? In high school, I’ll pretty much just be taking breaks from 69ing to go to class and eat.

But as I got older, the murmurs surrounding 69ing died down as people started trying it. And that’s because we all discovered a hard truth: It kinda sucks. Go around the dinner table tonight and ask when’s the last time everyone has 69ed. G’head. It’s been years for everybody. And there are plenty of reasons why.

First, when you’re a person with a vulva, there are only two ways to get into this position:

Vulva-haver on top. What I described earlier. Guy sitting up slightly by being propped up on pillows and girl on all fours who backs her ass up in slow motion like a mack truck before she proceeds to snail-trail his face. The reliable standard.

Penis-haver on top. First off, no woman walks around going, “You know what I’m really in the mood for right now? To wear a pair of balls as an eye mask.” Secondly, don’t do this. She will asphyxiate and die. And then your grandma finds her body and is like "I thought she was a sweet girl," and then the local news gets involved and it’s this whole thing.

Please note that neither of these positions are really all that comfortable. Secondly, each person has to service the other person upside down. Eating pussy well is enough of an endurance test when the anatomy is right-side up. Now the clitoris is at the bottom, which is a weird position. Not ideal when the sweet spot is the upper left-hand corner when looking at it head-on (her left, your right). And fingers? Forget it. The angle is all wrong, like trying to reach the last two chips at the bottom of a Pringles can.

And in terms of getting blown, the frenulum—the spot on the underside of the cock, right under the head, which is essentially the clit of the penis—is hitting the roof of a mouth instead of being stimulated by a tongue. So pleasure-wise, it’s not up there.

Another reason why it’s the worst is that you really can’t communicate with your partner.
In order to give communication, you have pause all the momentum of what you’ve been doing…and so you’re then tempted to not communicate at all, which also results in shittier head.

But lastly, let’s say my partner does enough upside-down David Blaine-esque clit magic to actually get
me off while I’m giving a beej. I don’t know about you, but my brain literally shuts down while orgasming, and I can’t concentrate enough to continue. The moment I start getting off, I can’t focus at the task at hand and totally leave my partner hanging. Trying to blow someone while orgasming is like trying to take the SATs with a pencil covered in bees. And so then I’m orgasming and shouting "Fuck! I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" when I should be screaming other things, amirite?

If you can consistently orgasm from 69ing—congratulations. You’re a sex wizard, Harry. But the chances are slim. The best description of 69 I’ve ever heard was from a friend: “It’s like working when you’re on vacation.” I think it’s the perfect way to explain my dislike for it. Unless you go into it with the idea “we’re doing this just for fun before we get to things that have a higher chance of getting us off,” I’ll pass. We’re all adults now. When it comes to oral, I just wanna take turns so we can focus on each other.