So someone finally got me to watch The Bachelorette again. Thanks for that, Playboy. This week's episode started out with Peter’s date, where they went on a boat and talked a lot but said basically nothing. Essentially what we have found out is that Peter is 12 years old, can’t stop smiling and feels things for Hannah in his no-no places. They kiss, Peter smiles a ton, they cuddle, then they supposedly have sex, but to be honest, I can’t see Peter knowing how sex even works. And that's about all we saw on Peter’s date. Hannah’s cool, though. Good Bachelorette and seems like a good, genuine girl.

Next up, we move on to Tyler’s date. Tyler is the tall, skinny guy with the personality of brick that came out of a romantic movie. Says all the right things that should technically work, but his face never matches his words. The weird part of this whole thing was when they were both getting massages, and Tyler sneakily swaps with the masseuse to start massaging Hannah on his own without asking her. Simply because happy music is played while Tyler is on screen, nobody thinks anything wrong of that behavior. Imagine if they played the villain music while he snuck over to start massaging her … May have changed the way that situation was viewed.

Seemed weird that at the end of the night, Hannah declined to have sex with Tyler, but she did just have sex with Peter. Tyler makes a solid play by going on a long rant about how he doesn’t expect her to have sex—he just wants to spend time with her—and I guess they went and cuddled the night away while Tyler whispered the most cliché things he could think of into her ear.

Next up, she’s on a date with Jed, the guy who apparently has a current girlfriend back home. They go on a lunch hangout with some random people from whatever country they’re in, and it makes no sense. Who are these people? Why are they asking so many questions? There's not a lot of logic here, but they seem friendly. Personally, I would have been like, “Who the hell are y’all, and why are y’all so invested in my life?”

Jed pulls Hannah to the side and gives her a long rant about how he wants Luke gone … which, again, makes no sense. When has this plan ever worked out for anyone on the show? All it does is make you look like a needy asshole with an agenda. But uh, what do we expect from the country singer who went on the show to promote his career, and whose family doesn't even want him to end up with Hannah?

I’ll give it to Jed: Eventually, he makes a really good point about how keeping Luke around shows that potentially Hannah is bad at removing things or people that aren’t good for her life. That makes a lot of sense because if someone in your life is causing you issues, you have to be mature enough to let those people go and simply move on. Hannah's mood took a turn for the worst when she started listening to Jed give his speech on how it upset him. Hannah apparently doesn’t like hearing things that are true, and things that she doesn’t like. Every time that happens, she retracts, runs away and gets mad at the guys who are being straight up with her. It still seems that on The Bachelorette, the guys who are straight up always get a ton of flak, but guys who pretend everything is perfect at all times, like Tyler, get to look like white knights in shining armor.

She bangs Jed. End scene.

Next up is her date with Luke, taking a helicopter to Santorini. Seems a little unfair, since on my season, I had to take a helicopter to a stupid forest with another dude—but I digress.

Watching Luke’s date, I don’t understand why everyone hates him. (Keep in mind I haven't been watching this season until now.) He seems like the most straight-up guy so far out of the final four. But I don’t know what else has happened in the season, so maybe I’m biased without prior knowledge. He starts talking about sex, and damn, this guy is very adamant about the no-sex-before-marriage thing. Hannah seems to think that he’s telling her what to do, but to me it sounds like he's just laying out what he's looking for.

I know we’re all supposed to think Hannah is in the right at this moment. But all he said was if she banged “all of the guys,” he might be a little upset and would probably leave. Every time he tries to explain himself, Hannah keeps cutting him off. Once again, I know I’m supposed to think that Hannah is right because thats how The Bachelorette works, but she seemed to get excessively angry at him for him basically saying, “Hey, so if you bang everyone here, it just might change my perception of marrying you.” Yes, Hannah, he doesn’t get to decide what you can and cannot do, but you cannot decide what he does and does not like.

She sends Luke home, but not without a fight. He wanted to talk to her a little because she definitely took what he was saying in the worst possible context, but she is the Bachelorette, so at this moment, she’s in charge. Weirdest situation I’ve ever seen on the show. I don’t know whats going on. Everyone is fighting over what Jesus wants, and all I can think is that Jesus wanted you to eat that food that you didn’t even touch on the date. I’m going to go gouge out my eyeballs and stab my ears with sharpened pencils now.

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Chad Johnson fought—quite literally—for JoJo Fletcher's love on season 12 of The Bachelorette. He returned for season 3 of Bachelor in Paradise and has also appeared on Famously Single, Celebrity Big Brother UK and Ex on the Beach.