Big Dick Energy Is a Hoax

When I saw The Cut published a piece called "You Know He Got That Big Dick Energy," I said, "well, alright" because it's The Cut and I expect them to give their playful hot take on trending topics (and use the word "Zaddy" by the second paragraph in an article about dicks). But when I saw the BBC—that's BRITISH BROADCASTING COMPANY— endeavoring to profit off the internet's new phrase for non-toxic masculine confidence, I knew this had gone too far.

When Ariana Grande tweeted-and-deleted that Pete Davidson has a stiff 10-incher, I suffered a mental prolapse. Big dicks fucking suck. There's nothing fun about getting your cervix rammed until it goes numb and, by the way, 10 inches is not "big"—it's the length of my forearm. That's enormous. Unusual, even. If my vagina couldn't take a lenient fisting (it can't) it's going to find the concept of a 10-inch dick frankly disturbing. I'm not going to fake that I in any way dig getting pulverized by dick the size of those wooden truncheons British cops carried around until the late '90s. I don't. I'm not a poseur when it comes to dick.

We know the average erect dick is a smidge over 5 inches, so why are people 1. pretending they've ever even seen a massive penis, like, in the wild and 2. acting like Pete Davidson is suddenly the model example of shafts. My minimal amount of research tells me only 2 percent of men have dicks bigger than 8 inches. So, unless you're me and you've fucked enough people to populate a remote, medieval village, I don't believe you've seen a 10-inch dick. And my encounters still, to this very day, make me shudder.

Fellow matrons, we all know we don't like bleeding during or after sex, suffering abrasions so bad our vagina hurts for a week and sitting feels awkward and itchy, crying out in pain when a gnarly-sized dick nails our cervix at the wrong angle, not being able to produce enough moisture naturally, or physically throwing up on a dick (hey, it happens). We also hate faking orgasms, which we tend to do when sex is not good or, maybe in this case, intolerably uncomfortable. And sex is typically satisfying when it's comfortable, both mentally and physically. When it's physically uncomfortable, however, you become less relaxed psychologically, and then you're stuck faking yet another orgasm so you don't injure a man's tiny, fragile ego. Let's stop pretending.

Of course, this is literally what happens when a dick is what I'd designate "too big." Even 8 inches is too big. Dicks this big make me dissociate so I can power through the sex. They severely limit the number of positions I'm able to comfortably get into (doggie style, are you fucking kidding me?), hence restricting my pleasure as well. Dicks that big chafe me and make me question my womanhood when my vagina dries up so much I need literal lube to even engage in sex. Big dicks are a task my gag reflex has had on a decades-old to-do list that's gone through the wash 45 times. It's a chore to never be completed and I'm not afraid to procrastinate on this assignment forever. My jaw hurts. Big shafts will corrupt and commit you to a world of UTIs, yeast infections and pain.

Big Dick Energy sure sounds painful. I don't even know why my girlfriends and I talk about size. It's pointless because as long as it's not the size of a Texas State Fair corn dog, I don't give a shit. Honestly, just give me 4 inches, I'd rather a dick be small enough to stroke my g-spot then send me shrieking to the hospital at 3 a.m. Big dicks don't and can't make me come OR cum, smaller ones do. An average-sized dick can and will get you off. A smaller dick is a male advantage and I’m standing by it. It makes total sense scientifically, too, because the g-spot is located merely 1-2 inches inside the vagina. You feel it when you insert a tampon. So yes, what I'm saying is, maybe I'd rather get fucked with a tampon.

Speaking of other sex acts, a big dick completely eliminates even the slightest thoughts of anal, and I'm also certain I provide higher-grade blowjobs when dicks are 6 inches and under, and I'm pretty sure dudes with average-sized dicks corporally receive better top when someone can actually fit it in their mouth. I don't want to nibble on a dick, I want to swallow it. And speaking of things fitting into other things like puzzle pieces, Ariana Grande is a tiny 5'0", making her 60-inches tall. This means if she's accurate about her fiance's junk and not just starry-eyed by how he uses it, his dick is 16.6666666667 percent of her entire being. That means if you laid Ariana Grande side-by-side with Pete Davidson's huge 10 inch dick, it'd be nearly 20 percent of her height. C'mon.

I’d rather take (and by take I mean in my vagina) a dude who has a small dick and this low-key, stable, I-go-to-therapy confidence being described as Big Dick Energy than a man with BDE and also a big dick. There’s no alternative for me. You can’t have both. I’m not sure when Pete Davidson became the ideal big-dicked dude (y’all were trashing the fuck out of him two weeks ago?) but if his dick is actually 10 inches, I’m not with it. Take that Staten Island accent elsewhere, Pete.

Because I watched Superbad last night, I'm sure there are women who "pride themselves on their dick-taking abilities," but I am not one of them. If a dude has a dick that's 8 inches or bigger, he better be unconditionally bomb at foreplay and other sex acts because there's no way in hell I could learn to relish in that hard of a pounding. Culturally, men with bigger dicks are regarded as more masculine, and therefore "better," I guess, and conceptually, we want them to feel good in our pussies, too. But we can't have it all, ladies. Big dicks are TRULY a concept, I was lying when I said they were a fact. This is why porn exists—I can watch a hot, tattooed girl get railed by some dude's horse-sized dick and imagine it's me, but it's not me, and I don't have to deal with the anxiety and injury from it.

As I've poignantly stated throughout this article, huge dicks suck. So, ladies, let's finally annihilate the lore behind gigantic dicks, burst from the confines of having to act like they're good, which is a myth so-called Big Dick Energy seeks only to encourage, and summon the men with average-sized penises to stand up and get in our vaginas. Cazzie, come on, girl. Let’s go to a bar in Silverlake. I’ll find you a real man whose dick doesn’t feel like how the CGI anaconda in the movie Anaconda looks. I also haven't seen a ruler in person since at least my senior year of high school so you could show me 4 inches and tell me 6, and I'd probably believe you. My point is—I can't determine if it's 5 inches or 6 while I'm in the moment, but, if you show me 8-10 inches, I'll understand what I'm looking at and, on God, I'll call 911.

By the way, The Cut said the Backstreet Boys do not have Big Dick Energy but that N’Sync does and I’d like the record to state that that’s a doggone lie and this is how I know we’re living in a simulation and also you should be ashamed of yourselves.