"Boofing" and the Other Sex Terms Everyone Is Googling Because of Brett Kavanaugh
Let’s face it—the Senate hearing in which Dr. Christine Blasey Ford and Judge Brett Kavanaugh testified was a study in emotional turmoil. But it was also an opportunity to brush up on some of the more colorful physical acts of sex and party culture that many among us likely brushed up against in our college years. (Right? Right?)
A Devil’s Triangle, for instance. Kavanaugh claimed it was a drinking game similar to quarters. However, a devil’s triangle typically relates to a three-way with one woman and two men. It’s a devil’s triangle because the men try desperately during the said sex act to not acknowledge one another, for fear that their fragile heterosexuality might shatter were they to lock eyes or (gasp!) touch one another. Repeat after me: Toxic masculinity is a cage.
But the turn of phrase that sent folks to Google in search of a definition was, as it turns out, boofing. Boofing, as defined by Kavanaugh, is a term for flatulence. Popular knowledge would point to this being inaccurate. (Two strikes, Brett, my man.) Boofing is actually when you stick some kind of illicit substance up your ass—usually drugs or alcohol. If you’ve seen the movie Wolf of Wall Street, you’ve seen an example of this in a scene when Jordan Belfort (played by Leonardo DiCaprio) blows some coke up a hooker’s ass with a straw. Oh, those Wall Street brokers. Such scamps.
In college culture, though, the boofing substance tends to be of the alcohol variety. Frat guys have been known to shove beer funnels up their booties in order to “butt chug,” which just sounds much more messy than it’s worth. But if Kavanaugh’s yearbook is to be believed, this is the type of behavior he may have participated in when he wasn’t getting “swoll” lifting weights with friends.
Now I know what you’re probably thinking: Why the hell would anyone willingly give themselves what is basically a beer enema? Why would anyone willingly blow coke up another person’s ass when the nose is so much more accessible? To answer that question, we need to break down the anatomy of your asshole.
But the turn of phrase that sent folks to Google in search of a definition was, as it turns out, boofing. Boofing, as defined by Kavanaugh, is a term for flatulence. Popular knowledge would point to this being inaccurate. (Two strikes, Brett, my man.) Boofing is actually when you stick some kind of illicit substance up your ass—usually drugs or alcohol. If you’ve seen the movie Wolf of Wall Street, you’ve seen an example of this in a scene when Jordan Belfort (played by Leonardo DiCaprio) blows some coke up a hooker’s ass with a straw. Oh, those Wall Street brokers. Such scamps.
In college culture, though, the boofing substance tends to be of the alcohol variety. Frat guys have been known to shove beer funnels up their booties in order to “butt chug,” which just sounds much more messy than it’s worth. But if Kavanaugh’s yearbook is to be believed, this is the type of behavior he may have participated in when he wasn’t getting “swoll” lifting weights with friends.
Now I know what you’re probably thinking: Why the hell would anyone willingly give themselves what is basically a beer enema? Why would anyone willingly blow coke up another person’s ass when the nose is so much more accessible? To answer that question, we need to break down the anatomy of your asshole.
Why the hell would anyone willingly give themselves what is basically a beer enema? To answer that question, we need to break down the anatomy of your asshole.
The rectum is actually insanely vascular, meaning that there are hella blood vessels up there. The skin in your rectum is also quite thin. So when you butt chug, instead of waiting for the booze to go down your throat, into your stomach, only to finally get absorbed into your bloodstream via the walls of your intestine, the alcohol hits your bloodstream that much more quickly. (That, it turns out, is why scientists invented suppositories. They weren’t just into butt stuff.) In turn, you get blitzed more easily and much faster.
If this doesn’t already sound like the worst idea on the planet for myriad reasons to you, allow me to explain why you should never, ever boof. It turns out that our asses aren’t properly set up to absorb foodstuff—they’re easily damaged and hyper-sensitive. But that’s not the main reason you shouldn’t do this. Your butt absorbs a lot more of a substance than your mouth, so overdosing is a serious concern. It also doesn’t contain the enzymes that are in your intestine and stomach that break down ethanol. Your liver can only break down so much ethanol at a time before it becomes overwhelmed, and that’s not something you want just free-floating around your body. Basically, if you boof, you’re going to have a bad time—and probably get really, really sick.
Now while I’m not here to judge Brett Kavanaugh, who is the real-life embodiment of every terrible ‘80s teen movie villain with a bad haircut, and his past, it is important to note that many political commentators are accusing Kavanaugh of flat-out lying about boofing under oath. Knowingly telling falsehoods under oath is the definition of perjury, something Kavanaugh had strong opinions on during his time working for independent counsel Kenneth Starr on then-president Bill Clinton’s impeachment. It could also throw his entire testimony to the Senate committee into question. If a man allegedly is willing to lie about his butt-chugging past to the entire country, he may not have been all that truthful about other parts of his testimony—like whether or not he sexually assaulted Ford.
And that, my friends, may be the number-one reason to never participate in boofing. It could eventually come back to haunt you during a Senate hearing, thus completely blowing your changes at a lifetime appointment to the Supreme Court out of the water. How’s that for an anti-drug PSA?
If this doesn’t already sound like the worst idea on the planet for myriad reasons to you, allow me to explain why you should never, ever boof. It turns out that our asses aren’t properly set up to absorb foodstuff—they’re easily damaged and hyper-sensitive. But that’s not the main reason you shouldn’t do this. Your butt absorbs a lot more of a substance than your mouth, so overdosing is a serious concern. It also doesn’t contain the enzymes that are in your intestine and stomach that break down ethanol. Your liver can only break down so much ethanol at a time before it becomes overwhelmed, and that’s not something you want just free-floating around your body. Basically, if you boof, you’re going to have a bad time—and probably get really, really sick.
Now while I’m not here to judge Brett Kavanaugh, who is the real-life embodiment of every terrible ‘80s teen movie villain with a bad haircut, and his past, it is important to note that many political commentators are accusing Kavanaugh of flat-out lying about boofing under oath. Knowingly telling falsehoods under oath is the definition of perjury, something Kavanaugh had strong opinions on during his time working for independent counsel Kenneth Starr on then-president Bill Clinton’s impeachment. It could also throw his entire testimony to the Senate committee into question. If a man allegedly is willing to lie about his butt-chugging past to the entire country, he may not have been all that truthful about other parts of his testimony—like whether or not he sexually assaulted Ford.
And that, my friends, may be the number-one reason to never participate in boofing. It could eventually come back to haunt you during a Senate hearing, thus completely blowing your changes at a lifetime appointment to the Supreme Court out of the water. How’s that for an anti-drug PSA?
Leave Mushroom Dicks Alone
There are plenty of reasons to go after Trump, but let's leave schlong-shaming out of it
